THE ADVENTURES OF CYRIL McGIBBON

Cyril was born in Crapville hospital to Mr and Mrs McGibbon but was abandoned at birth because he reeked! He grew up in Crapville orphanage where he regularly got beaten up. All through his childhood people laughed at Cyril and by the time he was 16 he had tried to commit suicide 3 times. He had tried to jump off a tall building, but he was scared of heights, he tried to head butt himself to death, but it hurt, and he tried to drown himself, but he couldn’t swim.

After his failed suicide attempts, Cyril gave himself up to the life of a monk. He went to the Crapville Monastery, but all the monks threw used-cod-and-leek pies at him until he cried, then they used him as a punch bag.

This further rejection led Cyril to the life of a loner. He saw an advert in a magazine saying that for just £500 he could apply to the course and learn to be a loner. Then in good faith he wrote off to the magazine and never saw his money again

Two weeks later on a dark, lonely night (after spending a lonely 2 hours crying in McDonalds), at about half past 11, Cyril turned off the main street and into a dark alley. Suddenly a gang of youths jumped on him and pummelled him into the ground. After this battering and having seven shades of sheep knocked out of him (or just having seven shades of sheep) Cyril spent the next 3 years off his life on the intensive care list at the hospital (he was actually fine after 2 months but all the doctors had forgotten about him). He eventually discharged himself and started off on an evening stroll. As he was walking along the road he met and old friend Mr Squirrel

“Hello Mr Squirrel…” said Cyril

“Sod off Cyril!” said Mr Squirrel. Cyril did. So he carried on along the road. After a short while, Cyril met another old friend, Mr Cow

“ Hello Mr Cow” said Cyril. Mr Cow shot Cyril with his 9mm semi-automatic machine gun. Just before he dies, Cyril managed to crawl along the road and see another old friend Mr Sheep.

“Help me!” cried Cyril. MR Sheep laughed and laughed until his side began to hurt, then he kicked Cyril until his feet hurt. After putting his boot in, Mr Sheep covered Cyril in paraffin and threw a match at him

“Woomph!” went Cyril. All the villagers came to watch the bonfire. After this “Cyril bonfire” all the people who were watching went up to claim their portion of barbecued Cyril

“Good old Cyril” said the mayor, they all laughed. The inhabitants of Crapville decided that the 4th of May was to be declared national Cyril Day, and every year from then on the citizens of Crapville ganged up on the person with the least friends in the village and beat them senseless

Cyril is now the patron saint of loners, and is held as God to many people with no friends!